


help me to name it

by davidbobo



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Beach House - Freeform, Fluff too I guess, M/M, a bit of a mess overall, if that makes sense, louis is a bit sad, set in the canon world but is not canon by any means, short and nostalgic and sweet
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-18
Updated: 2018-03-18
Packaged: 2019-04-04 02:41:51
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,744
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14010384
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/davidbobo/pseuds/davidbobo
Summary: He knows that they know everything they need, and yet, Louis always feels like the feelings leaking from his inside don’t quite reach them enough. As soon as he sees the words coming out, as soon as the breach is open, he will find anything to close it. He can do affection and reminds them how brilliant they are. He can say “i love you” and “i miss us so much”, “i miss my best friends, my band of brothers”. What he can’t say is words that are only about him, the quiet desperation he feels at times, close to “i am so tired of my mind sometimes. please tell me nothing is wrong with me, that you feel it too”. Tell me that the way I feel is temporary and that i’m doing my best.





	help me to name it

**Author's Note:**

> Yesterday morning I thought about those pictures Louis posted, listened to Beach House and this came out ? It's mostly me rambling about Louis' feelings and how much he loves the band and Harry but I had great fun writing it. I hope you'll appreciate this little thing from me to you.
> 
> The songs mentioned in order:  
> \- Lemon Glow, Beach House  
> \- Irene, BH  
> \- Troublemaker, BH  
> \- Twentytwo, Sunflower Bean  
> i fully recommend you listen to them as you read this ♥
> 
> also the title is from Myth, Beach House which made those words coming out of me.

_This game I play, I do it every day, I promise I’ll be fine, bear it every time **  
** _

 

When Louis woke up, he was sweaty and his eyes were red. 

He didn’t want to open them, and he could feel that his body was sore. Then he remembered the songs he started to write before sleeping and excitement finally made him move.

There’s the sea drifting now, a cigarette on his right hand and a song in his ears. A song on his mind too, he’s been trying to catch it, write it for hours, but as the hours goes by, it seems to get away from him. The sun is out and hot on his skin, and he remembers just weeks ago when he was in London and it was snowing. He remembers when Niall had sent him that Sujfan Stevens song from “that gay movie”, he had listened to it while smoking and felt everywhere at once, memories upon memories coming at him while still being fully conscious that here he was, in London at his sister’s house. He had wanted to left Harry a voicemail but when he had come back inside, Lottie had a sad look on her face so Louis just threw his phone away, took the guitar he had brought with him and started singing _Mardy Bum_. She had smiled and joined along, all was right again.

But he’s been meaning to write Harry a letter for days now, saying something meaningful. Making stories and talking about his deepest feelings through them is how he has learned to talk about himself, how his mind is able to pick the best words to really say what he means - what he doesn’t always manage to say out loud.

There has been so many things he wants to say to Harry. And Niall, too. Liam and Zayn of course. He knows that best friends are like families, and that you can take them for granted once in a while. That’s what they are for, for you not to doubt they will be in your life - even if you forget to reply to a text once in a while, or if you’re not in the mood because the world outside is crushing you, or your world inside is telling you that you’re better alone. He knows that they know everything they need, and yet, Louis always feels like the feelings leaking from his inside don’t quite reach them enough. As soon as he sees the words coming out, as soon as the breach is open, he will find anything to close it. He can do affection and reminds them how brilliant they are. He can say “i love you” and “i miss us so much”, “i miss my best friends, my band of brothers”. What he can’t say is words that are only about him, the quiet desperation he feels at times, close to “i am so tired of my mind sometimes. please tell me nothing is wrong with me, that you feel it too”.  _Tell me that the way I feel is temporary and that i’m doing my best._

_Tell me that i'm gonna be okay. What is the saying again? If it all goes wrong..._

 

_It’s a strange paradise._

 

He still doesn’t know how he’s supposed to deal with that when it happens, except from scribbling in his notebooks, or immediately distract himself with a show or a movie. Sometimes he rereads his old comics, or eats another bowl of cornflakes. These days, he doesn't feel like doing any of those.

And that's how this emotionally weird and exchausting period started: he was watching _Atlanta_ when this song, this devastating song came on. Louis had shazam it, and the app had told him:  _Space Song, Beach House._

He had listened to it. Again and again. On loop, for the entire day. Not remembering what his life was like before hearing it.

And then he had driven to his record dealer, asking her for  _Depression Cherry_ and marveled at the red velvet cover. His record dealer also recommended him  _Bloom_ , and he trusted her so he took it.

And then, he had been reborn. He had revelations upon revelations. Or, more likely, his life had been changed in a way that wasn’t visible. He was peaceful and restless all at once.  ****Those songs spoke to him, because the words had opened up a new way of understanding his own feelings and a vast world of pretty sounds. It was inspiration, it was marvel at the creation of music all over again.

It was like the day he finished writing his first song, the evening he was put into a band, the minute he had realized he was in love. With one person, with four idiots like him. 

 

And here he is now, on the beach, thinking about his best friends. Thinking about Harry. About their days in the bands. Being boys in a band. Being happy and sad boys in a band, travelling through space and time together. Colouring each other's minds, being five individuals and a monster with five heads and five as much of legs and arms, and dreams too.

He wonders what part of him he left in them, that he'll never have again.

He wonders if the way he holds his cigarette comes from Zayn, if that joke he loves saying actually comes from Niall, if Liam has made him nicer, if Harry...

if Harry was specifically designed from him and sent from outer space. Harry knows. He knows everything.

The quiet devotion he has for Harry is not a mystery at all to him, because Harry has been that blissful arrow, leaving him wild with adoration. Once upon a time, he had felt the need to write all these songs to him, and now was that time again. And really the time has never stopped because their love is written in every timeline of Louis’ life.

Those two boys in the band could have met in Victorian England in a theater, or in a ship travelling to the other side of the world, they would have kissed in an underground pub in Paris during the 1920s, danced in Berlin in a cabaret, they would have travelled to San Fran to meet Harvey Milk and been part of the LGSM in London and fight for their lives.

Or maybe they would have had to marry a girl but still would have found ways to be together. They would have met under an apple tree and kiss until their lips were swollen but always holding each other's hands. 

They would have kissed for the whole world to see at the first London pride. They would have met Oscar Wilde and Harry would have fallen in love with him too and that would be fine. 

Maybe they would have been beaten and sent to prison, maybe they would have written books to talk about that. Maybe they would have met during the Wars. Maybe in Italy during the 1980s and spent a summer falling madly in love. Maybe they would be teenagers now and met at a Troye Sivan gig or through Grindr. 

Maybe Louis was bound to play _Green Eyes_ on his guitar every other day, because someone had written before him how he felt. 

 

_Your heart is racing you’re taking everything too hard._

 

And Louis is crying now, because his mind is taking him to Harry again, and he knows they are everywhere in the history of the world. And there is that song he needs to write, he can feel it in his mind, he can almost touch the words.

He needs to text his friends, he needs to let the sea of words tumble out of him. They need to know that sometimes he feels the need to take them away to protect them from the world and everyone, but that really, he wants to see them shine bright.

And first, he has to write that letter to Harry and send him the Bloom CD. 

Louis jogs quickly back at his house, turning the words he needs to write in his head at the same time. Everything is mixed now, the words to the songs, to his songs, the letter. It’s going to be a mess, and that’s fine. His mind is going to unravel them, and maybe when they will be gone, he will feel at peace again.

He takes one of the pink letter in the set Harry sent him some time ago, and starts to write:

_H,_

_I have been obsessed with this album and I thought you would like it too. I feel too much at the moment, but that’s because you’re not here, though you’re always everywhere._

_I’m gonna go write a song about you now. It's been a while I think. Someday, I'm gonna write a whole album about us in every time and space possible. It will be the best concept album of its generation. A compagnion piece would be nice too._

_I have mastered playing Mardy Bum and another one that you'll hear once you come back._

_You’re my favourite boy, always._

_\- Lou_

Then, he sends a message to each of the boys, individually. He feels better, knowing that they are gonna smile reading them, and also feel for him. Niall is probably gonna call him right away and shout his famous “Tommo!”, and takes some time to talk to him. Liam will show up to his house if he has some time on his hands, and hug him right away. Or he’s gonna send him an old selfie of both of them with a message of his own that will make Louis cry. Zayn will send him a vocal message, talking about what he is writing at the moment, where he is and finish by “Anyway, love you Lou. You’re gonna be okay.”

And, finally, he takes his notebook and opens it. He closes his eyes, quietly laughing to himself. Victoria Legrand is still singing in the background, and he feels at sea again, or in outer space. Ready to shine, ready to explode. Not to be quiet anymore. And embrace the colours of his mind.

And, finally, the writing begins:

  
_If I could do it, I would stay young for you_  
_We could live inside a place_  
_Where we'd never have to face_  
_All the people who disgrace us  
And make us hide our face_

 

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading, it means the absolute world to me ♥
> 
> I made a post on tumblr if you want to check it out [here](http://vardathatdonnylad.tumblr.com/post/171996128085/help-me-to-name-it-by-davidbobo-17k)


End file.
